


Every Feeling You Don't Know

by MythicDragonRider



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Character Study, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Rampant Use of Metaphor, Repression, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, basically the anime through a different lens, or a different context i suppose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-18 11:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21910348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythicDragonRider/pseuds/MythicDragonRider
Summary: "You thought you'd never understand love. Maybe at the beginning, when it was simple, when it was easy, you had a grasp on it. But as its meaning has evolved through time, as you grew up, its true definition has slipped and slipped away from you."---Throughout his life, Ritsuka Uenoyama has always thought he's different from his peers, considering his nonexistent relationship with love. He was perfectly happy to ignore this and focus on his music, but when Mafuyu Satou unceremoniously comes into his life, he's forced to confront the feelings he thought he'd never have, in a situation completely different from what he expected.A character study of Ritsuka Uenoyama through the lens of love and sexuality.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	Every Feeling You Don't Know

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bubblegumcherrypop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblegumcherrypop/gifts).



> Hello, lovely readers!
> 
> This particular story was actually written for the Secret Santa on the TPN server. The person I made it for mentioned Given in their interests, and out of curiosity I decided to check it out. I proceeded to watch it all in two days, and then watch it again in another two days with my girlfriend, and then read the manga multiple times as research for this story. Needless to say, I never thought I'd get this into Given, but here I am and I thought other people might enjoy this one.
> 
> More info about my thought processes etc. while writing this story at the end.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Every Feeling You Don't Know**  
A Ritsuka Uenoyama character study

for **Moca**  
by **Mythic**

\---

"Throw me a dream please  
It's been a dreamless sleep  
For such a long time  
Such a long time

Sing myself awake  
Watch the branches break  
No one could  
Ever take your place"

- _I Sing I Swim_ by Seabear

\---

  
You thought you'd never understand love. Maybe at the beginning, when it was simple, when it was easy, you had a grasp on it. But as its meaning has evolved through time, as you grew up, its true definition has slipped and slipped away from you.

At age six, it was the simplest. Love was marriage, dedication, between a man and a woman. A concept far divorced from your own experience but which one you understood anyway. However, by age nine, love had become more complex. Now it could apply to you, suddenly known as a bond between a girl and a boy. Your relationship with girls changed as the other boys teased you for playing with them, but you still had a good enough grasp on the concept. It was an experience neither you or any of your peers had any interest in. But, at age twelve, you entered middle school, and everything began to change.

The idea of a 'relationship' was now not only feasible to you, but apparently something to be desired. Your friends went after the girls in your class, bragged about having a girlfriend, even if it was an abstracted experience of a relationship, barely comparable to the real thing. Not that you know much about the 'real thing', anyway. Nevertheless, this was the first time you felt it. A barrier, between you and your classmates, barely perceivable, but undoubtedly still there. They felt things you were sure you never would. Having a girlfriend appealed to you about as much as it five years ago. But you had an excuse; an easy rationalisation of your experience that required little thought. Your passions, after all, were directed elsewhere.

Because at age eleven, your father gave you a guitar, and your world changed forever. It was centred on those strings, Earth revolving around that guitar like the sun. The polished, highly-produced sound of recorded music became a metric to judge your own skill. Someday, you wanted to play like that. And so, what started as a fascination grew into a passion, and then an obsession. During your teenage years, your life was taken over by music, by playing at venues, by the petty drama of your bandmates. However, even in the environment you loved the most, you couldn't escape the touch of romance.

The girls who attended your concerts, who bought your CDs, who even began to make up your following, felt the sort of way about you that you felt you never could about them. You really had no problems with them. If anything, even the most obsessive ones just made you feel flattered, but also guilty. Guilty that they had feelings you felt as if you could never reciprocate. As if you were leading them on. Even though you never promised a relationship to anyone, it felt like you were committing a crime just by existing. Because that's the assumption, right? That's what's normal? Being able to be in a relationship, to be in love with someone else.

One day, you talked to Kaji about it. You didn't go too in-depth, simply mentioning the disconnect you feel to the whole culture of romance and love and sex that seems to permeate the world and the feelings of everyone but you. When you were done, he just gave you the weirdest look. This confused expression, which you expected, that turned into this knowing smirk. He brushed off your questions about it, and simply told you to do some more introspection about your feelings. Which would've already done. The conversation didn't end up being that helpful.

The older you grow, the more confused you become. It's not like you're completely lacking a sex drive. You've been going through puberty, after all. But the idea of actually having sex, of kissing someone, being intimate, feels uncomfortable and wrong in ways you can't explain. By the time you're sixteen, you're unbelievably frustrated, and push that side of yourself, any ideas of love and sex, down somewhere deep where you'll never have to think about it. However, you realise that, unlike the first time you attempted it, it's become so much harder. Because now, without even you realising, it seems that the passion you once felt for music has slowly faded away. That your current feelings towards it are a fraction of what you once felt, and you have no idea how to go back to the way things once were.

You play music, but you no longer love it to the extent you once did. It feels more like a distraction than a passion. You have friends, and it seems some girls are still interested in you, but you feel detached. Dissociated with every aspect of your life, as if they were disconnected pieces of a puzzle that you simply can't find the right fit for to make whole. If you have the energy, you talk with your friends, you play basketball at lunchtime, but mostly you like to nap. Your life is a comfortable routine that you follow day-to-day and sleeping becomes a pastime. Somehow its easier than doing anything else. And it's this habit that changes things, it's this habit that triggers a series of events that you never imagined. It's this habit that alters the direction of your life permanently, despite being born out of your own desire for idleness and incapacity to change anything for the better. After all, it's this habit that leads to you meeting Mafuyu.

At first, the most you feel about Mafuyu Sato is confused. A guy from the other class you've never actually met, strangely sleepy and subdued and carrying around a high-quality guitar everywhere he goes as if he were a professional rather than a complete beginner. He’s completely new to all this, there's no doubt about that. You've never met someone so out-of-touch with the music world, and while it's frustrating, it's strangely endearing in a way you can't quite grasp. Enough for you to begrudgingly allow him to trail you to the studio, and to put on a performance for him.

It’s bizarre what happens then. It's as if you're possessed by some phantom of your past, your once-enormous passion, because your adrenaline rushes like a tidal wave and fire alights your every nerve and you just play. Maybe you want to impress him, or maybe you were struck by inspiration, or maybe there's no real reason at all. Whatever the case, the way Mafuyu's eyes light up makes it all worth it. And that's another thing you don't quite understand, but automatically, you shove it deep down where you won’t think about it again.

Despite all your resistance and protest, you end up teaching Mafuyu the guitar. You teach him the guitar because he changed his strings himself, because he tuned it himself. The rational part of you says you simply see the potential in him, and while that's certainly part of the reason, the emotional side of the story is still locked away from you. So, you Google the best ways to introduce someone to guitar, teach him a few chords and eventually some progressions. He picks it up quickly. There's this passion in him, you realise. It's got you entranced. It's been so long since you've seen someone so genuinely engrossed with music. You can't remember the last time you felt that way. If anything, those days were the happiest part of your music journey, and there's a strange catharsis that comes from helping Mafuyu realise that himself. If he's luckier than you, maybe he'll even hold onto it.

However, the strange magnetic pull you feel towards Mafuyu only becomes solidified when you hear him sing.

He's only using his voice, but you swear you can hear the plucking of guitar strings.

Mafuyu Sato transforms from an enigmatic beginner in whom you can see some potential to an angel. Or, that may be a bit excessive, but simply put he's the missing piece. Your band has felt so undoubtedly empty for so long, and an obsession seems to take over you when you realise that he seems as if he could fill in that gap. You're so certain of yourself when you ask him to join the band. It makes it all the more crushing when he soundly rejects you.

God, do you stew over it. This sort of desperation is unbecoming for you, which is clear from how Kaji and Haruki laugh at your struggles. Your perfectly calm demeanour has been caught up in a whirlwind of incomprehensible emotion ever since Mafuyu showed up, half of which you can't even begin to untangle. You feel a little pathetic, but you seek him out after his job interview, considering the advice you'd been given. Communication. Despite the fact you play music, it's something you've never been great at. Or maybe it's a skill you've lost over the years. Whatever the case, you're determined to give a shot for him.

All things considered, it doesn't go too badly. That is, until a guy you've never seen before shows up, asks Mafuyu a question you don't understand, and he just runs. He runs as if his life depends on it, and you feel as if you have no choice but to follow him. The night air is stifling as you chase after him down the dark road, and when you finally get to him and grab his arm so he can't go any further, everything comes rushing out as you ask him why he ran away. He looks like he's about to cry, which twists your heart inexplicably, and then he talks to you. He tells you how he doesn’t think he can express himself.

It only makes you livid. You tell him the truth, even though you don't fully understand it yourself. That his song possessed you in a way you never expected. That it tugged so firmly on your heartstrings. And when he sings for you again, it affects you even more than the first time, and it feels like your heart is being torn so painfully, as if this stifling summer night has amplified every turbulent feeling in your shattered chest. It's like you're drowning in his sound.

When he agrees to join your band, once again you find yourself possessed, and start composing Mafuyu's song immediately. You'd been more into composition earlier on in your music journey, and nowadays mostly let the much more proficient Kaji and Haruki handle all that, but you don't deny that this is a song you have to write. You must seem as obsessed as you were when you were learning guitar for the first time, but this time you're simply trying to give life to someone else's song. To one that hit you so deeply. Mafuyu's excitement at your project only spurs you on.

Even though, emotionally, you're as still as clueless as ever, it's easy enough to ignore that as things begin to calm down into what resembles a status quo. Writing the song, practicing with the band, teaching Mafuyu how to play. You've become quite comfortable where you are. That is, until you talk to Kasai.

You've never really known how to feel about Kasai. She's a nice enough friend who you enjoy spending time with, however there's always been this strange undercurrent in all your interactions. As if she wants something more. One day in art class, you pair up with her to draw portraits, and the information she mentions offhandedly, as if it were your everyday small talk, completely shatters your new world.

Then the topic changes as if it never happened, but still your mind is stuck on what she said. Apparently, Mafuyu dated another guy in middle school. And apparently, last year, the same guy committed suicide. The information is so out of left field, so unlike what you thought you knew about Mafuyu, that it's difficult for you to reconciliate the two, however you're unable to dismiss it altogether. For some reason, your mind keeps circling around it, about how Kasai suggested he was dangerous to be around. That couldn’t be possible, right?

You can't take your mind off the part about his 'boyfriend', either. It makes you uncomfortable to think about. But you really shouldn't judge someone based on rumours, especially ones which suggested something so harmless. You… don't have anything against people like that. At least not consciously. It really shouldn't be a problem. Nevertheless, it occupies your mind every time you look at Mafuyu.

Once you've finished your song, you're unsure of yourself. Despite the whirlwind you were caught up in as you wrote it, you're not exactly sure of the quality. Nevertheless, you send it over to Kaji, and later that day he arrives impromptu at your house with your sister, because of course he does. You're awaiting some sort of harsh dismissal of your composition abilities (which wouldn’t be exactly be out-of-character for him), but instead he commends your song and even brings an accompaniment on the drums. You're not surprised when he suggests that Mafuyu should write lyrics, but when you comment on how his voice would go well with it, he gives you this weird-ass knowing smirk. The same knowing smirk you recognise from long, long ago, when you once confided in him. That smirk haunts your nightmares, you swear to god. Will you ever figure out what this asshole is thinking about?

After some hesitation, Mafuyu agrees to write lyrics for the song. You're pretty sure he has no idea what to write it about, but you're sure he'll figure it out. You're leaving this in his hands.

Then on the day of the basketball game, you go seeking out your nap spot. Mafuyu is there; now a sight to be expected. You lie down, ready to drift away, when he starts talking to you. Though you don't react, though you feign sleep as he talks, the words he says cause your heart to ache.

"I had someone I was so in love with in the past."

Your heart burns harder than it has before, and you feel a lump in your throat because the pain won't stop growing and spreading, your gut beginning to twist. Because suddenly, it all makes sense. It all makes so much sense, too much sense, because you never thought things would end up this way. The way you're feeling right now is jealous. You're jealous, because Mafuyu mentioned someone he was in love with.

After all, you like Mafuyu.

During the basketball game, you can't keep your attention, and you're still as distracted as you head home. Your heart is pounding like a drum - you can feel each painful heartbeat in your chest - and you have no idea what to do. Because you've untangled all those unfathomable feelings you had for him - one pull and the whole thing fell apart - but now there's infinitely more baggage for you to tackle. You like Mafuyu, and Mafuyu is a guy.

It all fits together too well, enough for it to be dizzying. Your disinterest in romance. Your strange feelings for Mafuyu. Your discomfort at learning that he had a boyfriend. It fits together perfectly, because all these hints have pulled back the curtain and revealed the underlying truth that has been an undercurrent of your entire life. You, Ritsuka Uenoyama, are gay.

Now that you've figured it out, your gay ass feelings are overwhelming. Because now that you think of it, yeah, you would like to kiss Mafuyu. You would like to go on stupid ass dates with him, to hold hands, to hear his laugh every day, to call him your 'boyfriend'. And, considering the rumours Kasai told you, there's even a possibility that he could, one day, feel the same way about you. It's almost too much for you to handle. You go straight to your room once you're home, and when Yayoi calls after you, you ignore her. It's like your world has been turned upside down, but the sudden new angle has revealed that everything that was once confusing to you makes perfect sense. So, it's a good thing, right?

In all honesty, you're not sure. While you've had no real problem with people of… this persuasion your entire life, the condition was that they stayed away from you. Let them lead their business, and you'll lead yours, you'd thought. But here you are, belonging to a group of people you'd once tried so desperately to ignore, and you know that others are ready and willing to do the same to you, if not worse. Your mind goes to the rumours around Mafuyu. The reasons why those were spread so far and wide surely couldn't have been positive. Society doesn't exactly welcome people like you with open arms.

You'd never really wished to be attracted to women before, to kiss girls and go on dates like the rest of your peers. But that night, you find yourself wishing that desperately.

As the days go on, you become instantly more aware of your every interaction with Mafuyu. Of how you act around him, of when you touch him or when he touches you. You'd never given stuff like this a second thought before, but now you're torn between wanting to spend every damn moment with him and not wanting to give yourself away. Goddamn it, is this what everyone feels like when they have a crush? You're glad you've never had to deal with this before. It makes you weirdly erratic with your attitude towards him, and you find yourself getting angrier and angrier at him at every mistake he makes. At how he hasn't even written any lyrics yet. Half of you wants to stop treating him this way, but the other half just can't help it. It simply frustrates you how little he seems to care.

After one particularly heated practice, Kaji invites you to talk. You don't really give it much thought, that is, until he asks you if you'd made a move on Mafuyu. The accusation almost makes you choke on your own tongue, and though you try to deny anything of the sort, your stupid red face gives you away. Your heart thuds heavily in your chest, unsure of how Kaji will feel about you. You can't imagine losing your closest friends because of this. But instead, he offers you that smug grin again, and tells you that he's felt the same before. It immediately gives you pause. Kaji is probably the straightest guy you've ever met. Right? He flirts with and teases girls like there's no tomorrow, including your very own sister. He doesn't elaborate beyond that, and instead tells you to take it easy on Mafuyu. After all, you're the one who got him to join the band, who got him to sing. You're the one responsible for supporting him. Kaji's words make sense, but still you can't reconcile them with the infinitely complex feelings in your chest.

Upon further thought and some strategic late-night googling, you realise that Kaji is probably bisexual or similar. You've never really considered sexuality beyond the black and white classifications of 'straight' and 'gay', so it's an interesting term to learn, but it doesn't apply to you considering your complete lack of attraction to girls. Great. The website you find the term on is interesting though, and you read through it for a while before you're too exhausted to continue. Maybe in the morning. Either way, you feel like you're slowly making some sense of this whole gay thing. There are… other people who are the same. Support networks and organisations and the like. And now you have Kaji to talk to about it, it seems. Not that you're planning to any time soon.

Your sexuality and your crush on Mafuyu weigh on your mind constantly as the days pass, though Kaji never initiates another conversation about it. That profound sense that you're lying to everyone else starts to grow from that small afterthought it once was. Now you know that you're not only incapable of a relationship with a woman, but also completely willing to have one with a man. Everyone's expectations of you are false. You're basically leading people on, whether you want or not. But, it's not like you're obliged to tell anyone, right?

These thoughts trouble you until one day, when you take out the garbage with Kasai. The entire way, she seems to be stewing, but about what you're too unsure to ask. It finally comes to light when she admits she feels awful about telling you those rumours about Mafuyu, and her confession seems… strange. Not because of how she feels, but because of the newfound context you've learned of own feelings.

The idea of Kasai having feelings for you has occurred to you for a while, and now you're sure about it. You feel guilty, and instead of berating her, thank her for telling you the information that helped you discover your sexuality. You don't tell her the second part, of course. You don't think you're ready for that, even if she seems to suspect it. Still, the relieved smile she gives you is enough to calm you, and that guilt starts to settle. Because it's not your fault you're unlike everyone else. If anything, the fact they assume these things about you makes them responsible for any disappointment, right? You're only figuring it out, but you feel better after your conversation with her. Now it's been cleared up, you hope you can stay friends.

As things amp up towards the date of your live show, your stress and frustration increase twofold every day. You're confident enough in your own abilities, and so most of your attention has been going towards Mafuyu. You're more anxious than you have been for years, because he still hasn't finished the song, and his guitar abilities aren't up to par, and you just need him to get better if you don't want to humiliate yourselves in front of a crowd. That's why, when Kaji suggests you stop practicing, you almost throw a fit. But he insists, even though you don't understand his reasoning.

You feel immature and anxious and frustrated when Haruki drives you home. Cooped up in his little car, you have more thrumming emotions then you know how to deal with, and it's then when he talks to you. He offhandedly mentions how you're unfocused. How you're caught up in Mafuyu's sound, instead of focusing on your own. And fuck. You know he's right. You do. But it shouldn't matter, should it? You've been playing for years, and Mafuyu only for months. There's no wonder you're distracted by him.

The day of the live show comes, and your anxiety is like a hydrogen bomb armed and ready. When you learn Mafuyu still hasn't written the lyrics, you're sure you're going to have an aneurysm. There's only one way to proceed from here; perform the song without lyrics. But for some reason, Mafuyu insists that would be giving up. That you're not the type of person he thought would do that. But, isn't it his fault you're all in this mess? You can't help but raise your voice, but shout, trying in vain to let out all these feelings inside you. And then, like the bomb going off, a string on his guitar breaks.

All you can do is stand still. Because the sharp sound that break made seems to cut through your heart, and you realise that you've made an incomprehensibly large mistake. You’res stuck because you have no idea how to proceed from here. But then, Haruki shouts and tells you to get another set of strings, and suddenly you're running.

As your feet slam against the concrete, as you feel the wind whip across your face as you run, as your heart races as fast as your legs, you realise how stupid you are. Because Mafuyu has always tried so hard, always done his best to meet your expectations. What have you done to repay him? Get angry, shout at him, treat him like trash. You really don't know what you're doing. It is because you have a crush on him? Is it because of what the lyrics to the song could've been? You don't know. All you know is that you need to fix those guitar strings as fast as you can.

And you do. You make it back just in time, and he lets you fix his strings. What you say to him then is unfiltered, because you need to get those thoughts out one way or another. After all, your heart is like guitar strings.

You can let them be loose, but the sound won't be any good no matter how hard you try to play it. You need to pull them tight, tight as ever, and let them be at risk to snap. You can't let anyone into your heart, you can't love anyone, without any risk of hurt and hardship. This you've come to understand, not only from your own experience, but from the look of heartache you sometimes catch on Mafuyu's pale face. But it's okay, because you know that, like guitar strings, you can start to repair your heart.

You come to a decision then, right before you go on stage. You're going to trust in Mafuyu, let him do whatever he needs to do, and you're going to take confidence in yourself. Just like the first time you played for him, you need to play those guitar strings with as much vigour and passion as you once had. And now, you know you can, because you're ready and willing to take the risk.

The rest of the night is simply a rush. Loud music, glaring, hot lights, and an enthusiastic crowd. Somehow, you realise that Mafuyu is singing, and his voice is beautiful. Your heart swells in that moment, like a balloon about to burst, because you know you're so in love that it aches. All you can feel is your fingers against the strings, the vibrations of the speakers under your slightly trembling legs, and that immense, swelling love. Intensity. That's the one word you can use to describe it. Intense as a red summer sunset, as the blistering heat, as someone's hand on your skin, as someone's lips against yours.

It's only when you get home when you realise that sometime during that night, you kissed Mafuyu. The realisation sends you spiralling off the deep end.

You're not surprised to find out that Mafuyu is sick the next day. After all, you're ready to keel over any second yourself simply from exhaustion. Though your heart is still beating far too quickly, as if you never shook off the adrenaline from last night, you end up going to his place to check on him. You're way too childish and naïve because you feel nervous about just entering his house after what happened. Does he remember? He must, right? What if he doesn't? Maybe it's because he's sick, but despite the twisting in your gut, Mafuyu doesn't say a thing about the kiss last night. Instead, he talks about his song, and how he wants to write a new one. You feel your heart ache even more, because all you remember of his song was that it was about a terrible heartbreak. Can you fix a heart as easily as your strings? You don't know. You don't know, but for Mafuyu's sake, and to some extent your own, you sincerely hope so.

Once he gets better, you all have a meeting about the direction of the band from here on. With your immense anxiety surrounding the live show, you hadn't given the aftermath much thought, and you have no clue where you want to go from here. Neither does anyone else, it seems, not concretely. But the consensus seems to be you all want to keep going. Mafuyu wants to write another song, and you want to help him with it, no matter where your relationship with him goes from here.

The band needs a new name, too. Just like the first time you formed the band, it doesn't take too long to decide on it. 'Given'. It feels right in a way you can't quite express. You try not to let the reason why Mafuyu suggested it bother you, though. Despite the song he managed to sing, he's probably not over his lost love yet. And you need to respect that.

Being alone with him after the kiss (which you're not sure if he remembers) turns you into even more of a mess than usual. Really, you need to pull yourself together sometime. Who knew being in love would be like this? You're on the train together after your meeting with the band, and when he asks if you have any plans, you decide you really must be a masochist because you agree to go with him wherever despite how much it aches to be around him. You're starting to understand the protagonists of those dramas you always scoffed at for being too melodramatic about their love. It's an infinitely complex feeling.

Mafuyu doesn't say anything about where he wants to go, and you follow him anyway, and you end up at Minato Mirai, of all places. 'The harbour of the future'. The incomprehensible person he is, he goes running out towards the ocean and you go after him in a hurry and you shout at him to stop, for god's sake, and then he turns to you with this bright, dazzling smile and you stop in your tracks. Because you don't think you've ever seen him smile like that. You've seen little grins, maybe, when his guard is down, but he looks so unbelievably happy for a reason you can't fathom and your stupid gay heart skips a beat. He says he's never been here, that it's some kind of dating spot, and once again you pause because god, he's got you figured out, doesn't he? Of course he did! You kissed him, after all. You're about to retaliate when his expression grows more tender, more contemplative, and he says the words that destroy your world.

"I like you, Uenoyama-kun."

You try to stumble your way into asking if he means as a friend, which he probably does, but then he denies it, says it's romantic--

Your chest bursts at this revelation, like you can't even breathe, as your mind races to process what he said. It's mutual. It seemed impossible, but it's mutual. You know you're spacing out because Mafuyu is calling after you but you're too busy trying to breathe with all the different emotions coursing through you and your brain attempting to sort them all out. There's excitement, of course, but also confusion and a little fear, denial, as his words echo through your skull. Eventually, you manage to calm them down enough to finally attempt a response, but then a memory from months ago returns unbidden to kick you in the head. Band relationships. Motherfucking band relationships. You’re hit with the fear you'll have to choose between two things so important to you.

But Mafuyu is getting concerned because of your thousand-yard-stare so you choke out an affirmation that you're okay and lean against the railing as you try not to pass out.

When you manage to return to your senses, you manage to tell him that it's mutual, and he says that was obvious, considering when you kissed him a few nights ago. Yeah, you're not fucking slick. And so, he asks you if you'd like to try out a relationship, and as desperate as you are to tell him a resounding yes, you're still worried about the band. You tell him as much, and from the troubled look on his face you figure he hadn't thought about that. But, he says, "It shouldn't be impossible, though. Right? Can we just talk to the others about it first?"

As much as you hated band couples in the past, you instantly agree to this.

Despite the both of you knowing you like each other, not much even seems to change between you two as you catch the train back. Judging from dramas you'd lazily half-watched and the sincere testimonies of your peers, you'd thought that knowing your crush liked you back would change everything forever. Maybe it had felt like that in the moment, but nothing much is different in that you're a hot mess and Mafuyu is calmly accepting of it. Maybe your relationship has changed a little. Imperceptibly. But it's hard to tell when you're still reeling from his confession.

The two of you agree to talk to your bandmates about it early tomorrow, and part ways. Even as you go home, your heart is beating a million miles an hour. Your chest is tight. Being in a relationship seems hopelessly hard. You don't know much about Mafuyu's past boyfriend, but the little you do is enough to back up that fact. You've seen your sister's struggles with love, remembering how she attempted to cut off her hair the other day. Will your very first relationship be any different? Especially with the band aspect complicating things. How are you to know it won't all fall apart? By the time you get home, this kind of thinking is driving you insane, so you decide to go to sleep early. You're going to handle all this tomorrow. However, that night you sleep fitfully.

The first person you go to is Haruki, ambushing him at his own home. Not surprisingly, he's completely shocked at the idea of the two of you dating and refuses straight off the bat. He even brings up your past words on the matter, which hurt, but goddamn it, you're not just going to give up here. Despite your anxiety about all this, you're not about to let an obstacle like this stop you from dating before you've even tried. So, you and Mafuyu both plead to Haruki pathetically, and you can feel the annoyance radiating off of him, but eventually he gives in despite the fact you confirm you'll probably be a nuisance. It's only one of many weights of your chest, but still it's a relief. You hadn't expected him to let you do it so easily, and you and Mafuyu ambush him with a hug despite his protests.

Next on the list is Kaji. The memory of your last conversation with him regarding your sexuality and feelings for Mafuyu haunt you, and you expect it to be just as difficult, if not harder, to convince him of letting you two date. It ends up being just as anti-climactic as when he asked you how you felt about Mafuyu, which you suppose you should've expected. He just says he's fine with it, mentioning how he 'gambled' with it for the live show, and deposits a giant box of CDs into Mafuyu's arms. You set off to help him carry it back home, and as you leave, Kaji calls out a 'good luck', which makes your cheeks burn like the gay idiot you are.

Jesus, the boxes are heavy, but you resolve to carry them as far as you can so you Mafuyu doesn't have to. Seems like something a boyfriend would do. And that's what you are to him now, aren't you? The two of you… are boyfriends. You're dating. The unfamiliar word strikes a chord in you.

Yesterday, you'd been worried about how complicated it would be to date Mafuyu. All the unknown factors and possible disagreements that could cause turbulence in your relationship. But here, right now, with just the two of you walking down the street as you carry an absurdly heavy box of CDs, the twisted emotions in your chest seem to have taken a break for now. You look over at Mafuyu, at your boyfriend, and you find you're content. Just being with him is enough to make you happy. And that's enough for you to try for him.

That night, you settle into bed and, on a whim, open up your laptop to type in the new name of your band in the search bar. You click on the only video that pops up, and your heart aches as you watch the performance, this time listening attentively to Mafuyu's intense lyrics in the calm of your room. You don't understand it all, but you know it's a song about heartbreak. A song about love and hurt. Even now, you wonder how strong Mafuyu must be to express this, to move on from it, even. But for the first time, you don't feel jealous about the lyrics he's singing, because you know now that even if he can't forget the heartbreak of his past, he's willing to embrace the future. He truly is good at expressing yourself, because you know you never could've made that bold statement, yesterday as you watched the glimmering ocean at Minato Mirai. When you finish the video, and place your laptop down next to you, you finally come to a conclusion.

Just like your heart is like guitar strings, love is like music. It's complicated, and confusing, and full of turmoil and conflict. Most of all, it's not easy. You can't pick up a guitar and instantly play well, just like you can't start dating someone and instantly have a perfect relationship. You have to work on it, work with a goal in mind, and maybe one day you'll get there. And it's easy, so much easier to avoid it entirely, or slog through it without any true passion. It's easy to nap away the days, hoping for the passion you once felt, or maybe never felt, to fill you. But passion isn't a mystical force that can possess your body. It's about determination and resilience. It's about knowing who you are and what you want.

You know how lucky you are to have met Mafuyu. Without him, you're sure you would still be in the dark, unsure of yourself on all fronts. But you can't just cruise along and hope things will be fine just because he showed you the parts of yourself you'd sorely been missing. You need to work for your music, work for your love, and maybe then everything will stay together and everything will be okay.

You don't know how long the band will last; if it'll go for years or break apart tomorrow. You don't know if your relationship with Mafuyu will go anywhere at all. But at least, you're going to try, and if things end up bad at least you'll know you did your best. You need to take things one step at a time; no sense worrying about the future.

As you stare up at the ceiling, a tiny smile finds its way across your face, because instead of being scared, you're excited now. You're so excited to see the future of the band, and your future with Mafuyu. For that singular moment, you realise that for the first time in years, everything is clear.

**Author's Note:**

> 'Just like your heart is like guitar strings, love is like music'. That's basically the line I created early on which I proceeded to base the themes of the study around. This isn't a full character study for Ritsuka. It focuses on his character through a lens of love/sexuality. Of course music plays a big part into it (it wouldn't be Ritsuka without music) but that's the direction I decided to gear it towards simply because I thought it was an aspect a little less explored in the actual anime/manga. As a lesbian, Ritsuka's experiences of realising his sexuality were honestly quite interesting and relatable to me and so I wanted to go more in-depth, largely basing it off my own experiences and other experiences I've heard of people in the LGBT community. This isn't what every LGBT individual experiences upon discovering their sexuality/gender (far from it), however societal expectations and the feeling of never fitting in are quite common from what I've seen. Considering what we've seen of Ritsuka's relationship with his sexuality in canon, I thought they were more than appropriate.
> 
> I'm glad I wrote this for Ritsuka. Truthfully, if I had chosen to write a Given fanfic just for myself, I probably would've gone with a Mafuyu study simply because his character is a lot more relatable to me. It was a nice experience to push myself a little more outside my comfort zone.


End file.
